10 Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

 Some of these things are small matters, some are large. Some significant, others...not so much. All are things I'm afraid to tell you.I'm afraid to tell you because you may laugh at me, you may judge me, you may think that I am not walking the simplicity talk. I may seem like a dullard, someone with bad taste or questionable values.But I'm telling you because I want you to know that I am a real person who struggles with things daily, who has quirks and weirdness, someone with a unique worldview. And that's OK. I'm owning mine because I want you to own yours - you weirdness, your failings, your quirks.I'm not saying don't try to improve. I'm all for self-improvement (obviously). But when it comes to quirks and mistakes and errors in judgement, it's OK. We learn, we grow, we own them.

10 Things I'm Afraid to Tell You...

Essentially, my mistakes and quirks and errors in judgement make me human. They don't undermine the work I've done to live a simpler, happier life. I simply don't ever want you to think I'm miles ahead. Because I'm not.

1. Sometimes I am gripped with such a deep melancholy and hopelessness at the challenges our world faces. I pride myself on being encouraging and positive and a good influence on the world. But, man, sometimes I just feel the weight of our issues too much. I fear that to change the world in the way it needs to change means losing jobs, making entire industries redundant, and shifting priorities and perspectives at a national and global level. In essence, it means we need to change society. And I seriously wonder whether that will happen.

2. I laugh at fart jokes.

3. I used to drink wine almost every night as a coping mechanism for stress and anxiety. Now I exercise most days and drink far less.

4. I used disposable nappies on Toby - and I hold an enormous amount of green guilt for it.

5. I pride myself on being well-read and think I have pretty good taste in literature. But I have read (and thoroughly enjoyed) the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. Hunger Games too.

6. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by guilt and shame. For anything. For everything. I think it's the reformed perfectionist in me rearing her snarling head. Making me feel like I am somehow responsible for all the shitty things that happen around me. (It's funny, there's not a peep to be heard from her when good things abound.)

7. Some days I don't feel qualified to write about slow and simple living. Because some days my life feels frantic and complicated.

8. I have a little box full of expensive jewellery that I don't know what to do with. I never wear it but can't bring myself to sell it. And I don't even know why. I don't even like it.

9. When I was a teenager I had a crush on Kevin Spacey. Yes, Kevin Spacey, not Kevin Bacon. Spacey.

10. Despite all my efforts related to healthy living, good sleep, simplifying and exercise, I am still taking medication for depression. It's been more than two years, it saved my sanity and I am eternally grateful for the positive changes in my life since beginning the treatment. But I still feel like it's a weakness on my part. That I'm a failure because I couldn't "beat this thing" on my own.

 Well, that was terrifying. And liberating.I guess there's a lot to be said for looking fear in the eye... Now, tell me, what fills you with fear?{Shout out to Jess Lively for her post last year that lit a fuse for truth and transparency. It inspired this post.}